Crash

I listen to The Civil Wars’ Dust to Dust. The words striking every nerve in me because I’ve been lonely too long. No. I’ve been emotionless too long.

I have built walls again. Walls surrounding me and shutting down every single emotion that might have had the misfortune of crossing my path. It has gotten to the point where I avoided writing because writing brings out those feelings. I have been avoiding reading books because I would end up relating to characters and feeling emotions. I has gotten so bad that the few times I’d feel anything from joy to sorrow, from exaltation to wrath, I’d break down in tears. Everything crashing into me like a big wave filling up the void that I purposely created.

There was a time when I had promised myself I would not let this happen again. I would not shut everything and everyone out. And I have been trying not to do that but when everything becomes too overwhelming. When the slightest thing makes you feel like you’re suffocating, drowning, in some sort of current that is too strong, the easiest thing is to give up.

I am a coward. I am an avoider.  I am a hand of velvet in a glove of steel.

Sometimes, upon watching a kid run around, my eyes fill up. Not because I want to have a child but because I want to be one. I want to discover things anew. I want to run in grass towards a tiny tree and be satisfied when I have touched it. I want to find fulfillment in simple, daily life things because then being overwhelmed would not mean being suffocated. Being overwhelmed then would mean enjoying and experiencing everything that your environment has to offer you.

These are the first words I’ve jotted down in a few months, as you have noticed from my absence, and it did take me a great deal of self control not to succumb to the oh-so-dreaded-waves in the middle of a buzzing and very alive cafeteria. So I’m just gonna leave you with the song, not that it has anything in particular to do with the text.

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