You close your eyes and try to breathe, let it go, let it all go. But the currents, they’re there. They’re always there. The waves crashing into you? Still there. And you feel redundant, your life pointless steering towards ridiculous destinations. Nothing screams help more than your silence, your broken smile. Yet, you refuse to admit it. “I am fine” you say. “I am fine” you lie. Stone cold. Emotionless. Emotionfull.
There is light. You know there is. Every day you have a few moments, hours if lucky, when everything is fine. It always happens when you have your tool, your companion, in your hands. It happens when you are painting with light. Then, as soon as you stop seeing, darkness and hurt wash over you again. Still, you don’t necessarily fight. “I am fine” you say. “I am fine” you lie.
Snap. Crack. Bang. It all clicks. It all breaks. And you fall down. You don’t know who you are fighting. The currents. The waves. The mundane redundancy of your pathetic life. The push and pull you have with the people surrounding you. It’s all part of you. Snap. Crack. Bang.
The enemy is you.
You think of it while sipping a cup of your favourite tea. You think of it in the thick of the night when your only company is your fever-induced nightmares. You realise it when your anxiety is at its peak. You accept it when you are in the arms of your dearest people.
You are your own enemy and there isn’t much you can do.
Photo credits: Ghassan Mhaifid