You’ve spent weeks tiptoeing around yourself. It is almost as if you are trying as hard as you can to not disturb your very own existence.
But what is it really? What is your existence?
You don’t feel like yourself. You are but a ghost of someone you once knew. You’ve noticed it. Your best friend has noticed it. In fact, almost everyone around you has noticed how you are stepping beside yourself.
It’s not like you’ve never been there. You have spent months in a kind of existential limbo. The simple thought of that scares you. No actually, it terrifies you. You have tried so hard to distance yourself from the memory of fever induced nightmares and midnight meltdowns. Yet, somehow, a part of you is still connected to that. It is as if there is a dark shadow hovering over you, following you around, waiting for you to acknowledge its existence so it starts solidifying.
Gone are the days when you could talk it out. Or better yet, write it out. All you have is clenched fists and a quivering jaw. Your lack of eloquence pains you. The words stuck at your fingertips a constant reminder of the abominable limbo.
You start questioning yourself. You try to figure it out. “Am I feeling empty again?”. No, not really. It more like your chest is caving in under its own weight while your internal organs are making a ruckus rattling within you.
You’ve brought this on yourself. You know it. And you have the key to get yourself out of it. At least you think you do. But this storm of resentment and self-loathing is clouding your judgement. In the comfort of everything you’ve ever known, you yearn for something new. Anything unknown. Anything. If anyone heard you say that, they would think you are trying to find a new you. It does indeed sound like you are just trying to run away like a 15 year old throwing a tantrum. But in all reality, you’re just trying to find yourself.